


I'd Let You Break My Heart Again

by andloveexists, ASweatyToothedMadman



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide Mention, Cute gays, Fluff, M/M, Smut, anderperry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-22 02:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10687896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andloveexists/pseuds/andloveexists, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASweatyToothedMadman/pseuds/ASweatyToothedMadman
Summary: Neil hadn’t wanted to become a physician. After his attempted suicide, his father had insisted on enrolling him in strict Military school and forced him to see a counselor several times a week, which worked for a while. After all, making thousands of dollars through a fulfilling career and making his father happy couldn’t be too bad, could it?





	1. Is It Really That Bad?

To Neil:   
I hate you.  
I hate that you’re everywhere; you’re the red in my eyes every single night and you’re my mismatched socks in the morning and you’re my double shot white mocha at noon.  
but the worst part is that if you called me,  
if you told me you were real,  
if you told me you loved me,  
i’d believe it.  
and i’d let you break my heart again.  
and again.  
and again.   
and i’d let you break it 300, 456 times and more   
if it meant i could relive the moments that made me feel   
invincible   
and   
real.  
because some part of me believes that if i had a second chance,  
i’d be enough to stop you. 

-t.a.

 

Wake up. Brew a pot of coffee. Get dressed. Maybe if I wear the blue tie today, it’ll perk me up. Catch the subway. Go to work. Oh God, an appointment with Ms. Rodgers today. Better go to my office for another shot. Take care of sick people. Joke around with equally unsatisfied nurses. Repeat.   
Neil Perry was going in circles. He was never supposed to be a man who wore a suit to work every single day, carried a briefcase, and lived alone in a huge penthouse apartment, but here he was. His best friends were his orange tabby cat and the nice secretary at work who said hello to him every morning. 

“Hi, Neil,” she said as he walked into the office on a dry Monday morning. “Would you like some coffee? We just got a new Keurig!”   
Neil shook his head, and she nodded, as he turned her coffee down every morning. “You’ve got a light schedule today. Should be home before rush hour,” she said, smiling softly.   
Neil took the schedule from her hands and gave her a smile. “Thank you, Debbie,” he said, then headed up the stairs to his office. 

Neil hadn’t wanted to become a physician. After his attempted suicide, his father had insisted on enrolling him in strict Military school and forced him to see a counselor several times a week, which worked for a while. After all, making thousands of dollars through a fulfilling career and making his father happy couldn’t be too bad, could it?  
While his father wanted him to go into oncology, Neil managed to defy him by one small aspect. He chose family medicine instead, and while being a doctor was still unfulfilling, he had a few favorite patients that made it bearable. And of course, having no children or spouse meant that he could spend his money on whatever he pleased.  
But instead, his paycheck dumped into a checking account that automatically paid the bills and collected whatever was left. Occasionally he splurged and bought vast amounts of books at the local Barnes & Noble, and that was about the only part of his time that he enjoyed spending. 

“Wow, Dr. Perry. That’s the third round of antibiotics you’ve prescribed today,” one of Neil’s nurses remarked, peering up at him through her glasses curiously.   
“Yeah. Pretty remarkable,” he said. All the sarcasm meant to be in his words were masked by a lack of care. 

Neil knew his friends thought he was dead. He also knew that none of them cared, judging by that none of them had shown up to the hospital where he was admitted for almost two weeks. His parents assured him that it was for the best that they moved on, and that he ought to too; but that didn’t stop Neil from buying every one of Todd Anderson’s novels after he’d found out Todd was writing. 

Every night when Neil got home, the lights were off and the air was stale. No one was cooking up something fresh in the kitchen; no one was sitting at their desk studying; no one was sitting on the plush blue couch watching TV.   
Every night, he dropped his briefcase on the ground by the door, poured himself a tall glass of whiskey, and fell over on the couch watching tragedies unveil on NBC.

And every night, Neil climbed under his pleated comforter to stare at the ceiling until early in the morning. He missed the boys. He missed Pitts and Meeks at the back of the room illegally making radios, and Knox’s constant lamenting about Chris. He missed Charlie, holding his hand when he was scared and making dumb jokes constantly and always trying to out-Carpe Diem everyone else. Hell, he even missed Cameron, just for the sake of it.   
And fuck, he missed Todd, and Todd’s blue eyes and warm touch and soft words.   
But none of them missed him; they all thought he was dead. So instead Neil thought of the night he’d held a gun to his head and said goodbye to his breath for what he thought would be the last time, and pondered why he was still holding on.


	2. I Loved Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinosaurs on one foot, cherry blossoms on the other. Ever since he began spending his nights with Charlie Dalton, uniformity had lost all meaning to Todd Anderson.

when I look at you, I

i. I admire you. I stare longingly at your chapped lips and run my thoughts along your jawline and cheekbones. your eyes pierce me and I envision myself in your mind.   
ii. I pray that you’ll reach out and touch me; drag your hands along my bones or simply brush your arm against mine. everything and anything, I’ll take it.   
iii. I look away. the gaps in my teeth are filled with the words I’ll never say and the hands that will never touch you lay twitching by my side. 

-t.a. 

______________________________________________________________________________

Dinosaurs on one foot, cherry blossoms on the other. Ever since he began spending his nights with Charlie Dalton, uniformity had lost all meaning to Todd Anderson.   
“Todd!” Charlie shouted unnecessarily loud as he stepped into Todd bedroom, hair wet from the shower and a towel wrapped around his waist to show off his mildly toned stomach.   
“One, no need to yell. I’m right here,” Todd said, glaring up at Charlie as he put his shoes on. “Two, what?”  
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come hang out with me and Meeks today?” Charlie asked, much quieter now, as he dried himself off.   
Todd rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure. Go without me.”  
“Todd, it’s been ten years. You’ve got to get out of the house.”  
“Fuck you, I get plenty of social interaction,” Todd retorted. “I’m going to the grocery store right now.”  
“The most fun you’ve had in the past five years was getting drunk off wine coolers with me and Pitts. In your own house, which you never leave,” Charlie added.   
“Hey, that was a great night,” Todd fought back. Deep inside, he knew Charlie was right; other than when Meeks and Pitts visited or when Charlie came over (almost every night, but that was simply because he was having some issues affording his own place), Todd’s best friend was the grocery store clerk and his editor who he only met with once a month.   
“All I’m saying,” Charlie said, obviously getting slightly frustrated, “is that it wouldn’t kill you to have coffee with your buddies once in awhile.”   
Todd looked down and was quiet for a moment. Charlie continued to rummage around and get dressed, but after a minute turned around and looked at Todd again.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Charlie said carefully.   
“I-it’s just hard, you know?” Todd tried to keep his voice from cracking. “I know it’s been so long but I--fuck, Charlie, I look at things and I see him and I watch TV and some Shakespeare movie comes on and I can almost hear him laugh and fuck, Charlie, I miss him.” Todd wiped his eyes as Charlie stood by the dresser, bewildered. “Oh my God, Charlie, I loved him,” Todd gasped like a fish out of water, a stray sob cutting though his words as realization hit him. He had loved Neil this entire time, really loved him, yet, he never spoke up about it once and now it was too late.  
“Oh, Todd, it’s okay,” Charlie said, rushing over to pull Todd into a hug. “Fuck, I miss him too. We all fucking do.”  
Charlie’s blazer soon became wet with Todd’s tears as the two boys sat on the bed, hugging. “I’m sorry, Charlie,” Todd said, wiping his nose as he pulled away.   
“Hey, buddy, it's alright,” Charlie said. “It’s okay, please, don’t cry.”  
“Fuck grocery shopping,” Todd whispered. “I miss Meeks. I’ll come with you.”

 

While Todd (and subsequently Charlie) lived in Downtown Manhattan, Meeks and Pitts were a 20-minute subway ride away living just off-campus of Columbia University, where the nerds worked on biology and engineering, respectively.   
At least once a week, Charlie took a trip up to see them, but Todd had never been. He was usually comfortable in his sweats at home working on whatever he was writing at the moment and content with only seeing Pitts and Meeks when they came down to Manhattan.   
In fact, the only time Todd really had really taken the subway was when he went to visit his publisher's office a few times a year. So for once, Todd was excited about it.   
Spring had fallen in the city, and while it had been recently plagued with rain, the day was particularly sunny. Rays of sunlight came in through the window of the coffee shop where the boys waited for Meeks, lighting up Charlie’s face in a way that made Todd want to write a poem.   
“Hey, Todd,” Meeks’ voice appeared from the side, cutting Todd out of his trance. He slid in next to Charlie and waved at the barista to come over.   
“Hey, where’s my greeting?” Charlie said.   
Meeks shot Charlie a cold look before glancing at Todd and raising his eyebrows in question. Charlie shook his head quickly. “Fine. Hi, Charlie.”   
Todd was confused at their exchange, but before he had a chance to ask, Meeks spoke up.   
“I just got out of this long ass class and haven’t had a chance to use the restroom, so you’ll have to excuse me,” Meeks said, sliding out of his chair.   
The barista came up then, and Charlie watched Meeks walk away with a smile before turning to him. “I’ll have the usual. And some of those little packs of sugar, I think the table is out. Green tea for him,” he said, pointing to Meeks walking away. “With extra honey.”  
The tall barista nodded and turned to Todd. “And you?”  
Todd was busy staring out of the window, admiring how a cherry tree’s blossoms were falling beautifully over the street outside the shop.   
He felt a sharp kick to his shin from under the table and looked up at Charlie, who pointed to the barista. “Uh, just an iced coffee.” he said, and the barista winked at him as he turned around. “Thanks.”  
The street was covered in the pink petals like snow, and Todd couldn’t help but remember winter at Welton and all the days he’d spent with Neil, playing in the snow during their study breaks and making snow angels and snowmen.  
“Alright. One soy double shot caramel vanilla latte with chocolate walls and chocolate chips,” the barista said, coming up to the table and setting Charlie’s over-the-top drink down, “with sugar packets. One green tea with honey, and one iced coffee for the cutie.” The barista set the rest of the drinks down along with a wrinkled napkin that Todd realized had a phone number written on it after further inspection.   
“Got a cutie’s phone number?” Charlie asked as he ripped open the sugar packets and began dumping them into his drink.   
Todd didn’t say anything, just folded the napkin in half and watched Charlie’s road trip to diabetes.  
“Charlie,” he said. “You haven’t even tasted it yet.”  
Charlie ignored him, and Todd went back to staring out the window.   
Todd knew Neil would love New York. He’d never be more than 30 minutes from a Broadway play, and the city was bustling with life that Neil’s beaming personality would be an excellent addition to.   
“Thinkin’ about Neil?” Charlie asked diligently after a moment of silence, seemingly noticing Todd’s absence from reality as he swirled his straw around in his drink.   
Todd was shaken out of his gloom. “Huh?”  
“He loved you, you know. Fuck, he talked about you all the time,” Charlie said, chuckling as if reminiscing on a memory. “He was gonna tell you that night, too. After the play. He was gonna tell you.” Charlie leaned back in his chair, his smile fading as a dark cloud fell over his face.   
Todd sighed, already knowing it was true--not from Charlie’s confirmation, but from ten years of thought and analyzation.   
“Hey...how bout we go to a club or something? And you can meet a nice guy and have a few drinks and go dancing and let loose,” Charlie said, perking up.   
“I don’t know, Charlie,” Todd shook his head, not revealing the fact that his heart rate was speeding up.   
“Todd, I know it hurts. Trust me, I miss him so much,” Charlie leaned forward on the table, nearly knocking over his coffee. “But you gotta stop shitting your life away! He’d want you to move on, find another guy.”  
“I have been with other guys.”  
“No, you’ve been on two dates. Only one, actually, because you backed out of the second one fifteen minutes in, and the first one lasted only, like, an hour longer than that.”  
“Okay, still. I can take care of myself, so you can just butt out, alright?”  
There was silence for a moment as Todd’s words hung dry in the air.   
“No,” Charlie said.   
Todd shook. He didn’t know if Charlie’d heard the story from Neil or if they were really just that similar that he’d have the same response, but it didn’t matter.   
Charlie smirked at Todd’s reaction. “Carpe Diem, Todd.”   
“I’m in love with him,” Todd said, another plead to get Charlie to stop.   
“You sound like Knox,” Charlie sighed, taking a sip from his drink and leaning back.   
“I just saw the weirdest--” Meeks’s voice entered the scene, finally back from his bathroom trip. “Todd, are you okay?” he asked when he saw the boy’s red face.   
“I’m fine,” Todd said, waving it off.   
“You’re not, what’s wrong?” he asked, sliding in next to Charlie and looking at Todd intently.   
“Todd and I were reminiscing on some memories,” Charlie said when Todd looked up at him with heartbreaking eyes.   
“Ah,” Meeks mouthed, his eyes growing wide knowingly.   
“I-I don’t wanna go to a club,” Todd said quietly, his voice still shaking. “But maybe I do need to get out more.”  
“Pitts told me you’d been offered an opportunity to do a book signing,” Meeks suggested. “Maybe that’s a start.”  
“Yeah, b-but I just don’t know, Meeks. They’ll ask so many questions and eventually Neil will some up and-”  
“And you’ll kill it.” Meeks said. “These people love your writing, Todd. They're your people.”  
Todd stared at Meeks & Meeks and Charlie shared a look.   
“Carpe Diem,” Charlie said, looking back at Todd. “Right? If it’s shit this time, you won’t have to do it ever again.”  
Charlie smirks and Meeks nods with encouragement, taking a sip of Charlie’s coffee. “Ew, like sugar much, Charlie?” he prodded, wrinkling his nose at the taste. Todd continued to stare at the two of them with fear, but they’ve already moved on.   
“Imagine what this is doing to your body,” Meeks said, setting the drink down with care.   
“Hey, it’s good! At least it’s not bitter like yours,” Charlie stuck his tongue out in Meeks direction.   
“You act like such a child,” Meeks said, rolling his eyes and taking a drink of his own plain tea. “Are you eight?”  
“Yes. And you know you love it,” Charlie said, smirking and poking Meeks playfully in the side, causing Meeks to spit out his sip of tea. The laughs and smacks Charlie back anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @rsl gay


	3. Today Only: Book Signing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To put it shortly, Neil could not believe his eyes. He could go inside; it really wouldn’t be a waste of his time. But if he didn’t find the Todd Anderson he was looking for, it would be both a huge disappointment and a huge relief. If he did; well, Neil wasn't sure he wanted to believe he would.

staring contest  
staring contest; your light eyes against my dark ones, lips inches from each other and I can feel your hot breath on me and all I want to do is close the gap and steal your air as I kiss you  
smoke and people; bodies of unsaturated irises and printless hands lay tousled in the white sheets, without a word spoken among them  
who is in control?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Today Only: Book Signing by Poet Todd Anderson.” No picture, no confirmation on which Todd Anderson it was. Just a simple blue poster tacked to the window of Neil’s favorite Barnes and Noble which he passed every day on his stroll between the clinic and his parking garage. The likelihood that there was anyone other than his Todd Anderson doing a book signing for poetry was rare, but so was the likelihood that Todd Anderson had just so happened to have ended up in the same city as Neil, on the same street, at the same Barnes and Noble.  
To put it shortly, Neil could not believe his eyes. He could go inside; it really wouldn’t be a waste of his time. But if he didn’t find the Todd Anderson he was looking for, it would be both a huge disappointment and a huge relief. If he did; well, Neil wasn't sure he wanted to believe he would.  
But Neil went inside anyway.  
And there he was: he still had the sunny golden hair, soft fleece sweater, and careful blue eyes that Neil had fallen in love with years earlier in the courtyard of Welton Academy. But there was something new about him, too; he held himself with more confidence and his aura was filled with happiness. When a reader came up with a book for him to sign, Todd looked up over his new reading glasses with a winning smile, laughing and speaking with care to the person in front of him. Neil wondered if Todd had gotten better because he was gone.  
But a small voice that Neil desperately wanted to listen to told him to go up, buy a book, and get it signed.  
“Who am I making this out to?” Todd asked, still smiling but not yet having looked up at Neil in front of him.  
Neil was quiet for a moment, hoping Todd would look up and see that it was him. He’d waited to be the last person in line so that there’d be no one waiting, and the store had fallen relatively silent. Todd still didn’t look up, almost as if he knew. “Neil Perry,” Neil said quietly.  
“To Neil…” todd said, and began writing, but stopped almost instantaneously.  
Todd didn’t look up. He stared straight down at the book on the table, his knuckles turning stark white from gripping the pen so hard. “I swear to God, if this is some kind of joke…” he said, his voice streaked with anger. He lifted his eyes just a bit to Neil’s torso, still not looking at his face, and tears began to fall like rain. “Neil Perry is dead.”  
Neil smiled nervously. He was shaking.  
“Neil Perry is dead,” Todd said again, still staring straight at Neil’s chest. His tears began flowing hysterically, and still without looking him in the eyes, punched Neil and ran.  
“Fuck,” Neil cursed as he held his aching gut. “Todd, wait--”  
Todd was near screaming as he ran out of the Barnes and Noble, and as Neil followed he saw many scared and confused faces gawking at him. Whispers calling out, “Did he shout “Neil”? Is that the Neil he writes about?” and “Isn’t Neil Perry dead?” followed him as he bust out the doors into the light of New York City.  
Todd was kicking a trash can and screaming completely profane words, much to the annoyance of passerbys. However, Todd didn’t look like he cared.  
“I’m sorry!” Neil shouted, somehow unable to conceive more than a few tears. Part of him wanted to run away again; the other half was filled with butterflies for Todd that he couldn’t believe he still managed to have.  
“You’re sorry?! That’s all you have to say for yourself?!” Todd spit out, his lips and eyes already puffy and blood red. He kicked Neil in the groin, causing him to double over, and then began pacing back and forth in front of the store where many people were watching the spectacle.  
“Fuck you, Neil? Maybe starting with an explanation would be nice? You can’t show up at my book signing acting like everything is fucking fine!”  
“I’m sorry,” Neil said again, this time just a plea.  
Todd began crying again.  
“I-I didn’t know how to tell you. I’ve had no way to contact you.”  
“Fuck that. Phone books exist, Perry. Or like, my parents. Fuck, I don’t know.”  
Neil lowered his eyes to the ground, bringing his hand up to wipe away his tears. “Todd, I just...my father sent me to military school and he had me see this therapist at least a dozen times and I didn’t know he never told you guys,” he said, his voice thick and high-pitched from fighting back the tears that were finally coming. “So when I went to go ask him if I could at least send a letter to give updates he told me that you all believed I was dead and that it wouldn’t help to come back after you all had gone on with your lives.”  
Todd stared at him in complete silence, no expression on his face.  
“I just wish I had known, Todd, I…” Neil sputtered, his mouth running dry and refusing to produce more words and then he was the one hysterically crying.  
Todd still didn’t say anything, but walked forward and enveloped Neil into a hug, both of them a mess of tears and sobs.  
“You hurt me, Neil,” Todd said, not letting go of him and not sure he would ever be able to. “But It’s okay. You’re here now.”

 

Possibly for the first time in his career, Neil took advantage of his high paycheck and took Todd out to eat at the fanciest restaurant they could find. They sat for nearly four hours over a meal of lobsters, various fish, gourmet dishes, and desserts galore, catching up on Neil’s very boring life and Todd’s very interesting one.  
“I’ve written five poetry books, as of now,” Todd said, wiping his mouth on a napkin and looking at Neil with pride.  
“I know. I own every single one,” Neil smirked.  
Todd gaped. “So you’ve probably seen that every single one of them has “To Neil” written at the beginning, right?”  
“I…” Neil said tentatively. “Yeah. I never thought much of it. I always felt like it was your “poet's obligation,” or whatever.”  
“No, fuckass,” Todd said, laughing shamefully. “Every single goddamn one of those was for you.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I’m in love with you.”  
Neil’s eyes softened as Todd looked away in shame. “Oh my god, Todd…”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“I’m in love with you too,” Neil said quietly, and Todd looked up with a giant smile on his face.  
“Really?”  
“Yeah.”  
They sat like that for a moment, each with their own huge goofy grin, leaving the table untouched.  
“Hey, what do you say we go back to my place?” Neil asked, and Todd nodded quickly.


	4. Side by Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the boys walked in side by side, tensions slowly became higher and higher. They walked in complete silence, close enough that their hands and hips brushed occasionally. Finally, they reached the elevator, and silence continued until the buttons were pressed and the doors shut.

 

Neil lived on the top floor of a huge apartment complex only a three minute walk from the restaurant. It was a beautiful building, and much different than the nice, but still small complex that Todd lived in.  
As the boys walked in side by side, tensions slowly became higher and higher. They walked in complete silence, close enough that their hands and hips brushed occasionally. Finally, they reached the elevator, and silence continued until the buttons were pressed and the doors shut.  
“Todd?” Neil asked tentatively. The shining lights on the hanging chandelier shone off Todd’s eyes as if they were the sun and the ocean and Neil couldn’t help but be mesmerized.  
“Yeah, Neil?”  
“I-I’ve just really missed you,” Neil cracked, turning to look at Todd with fearful dark eyes.  
“Oh God, shut up,” Todd said, grabbing Neil’s face and slamming him hard against the door of the elevator, kissing him like he was dehydrated and Neil was the only source of water in the world.  
The time they had left in the elevator was short, but it felt like a thousand years to Todd. Ever since Neil had walked out of the doors to the courtyard that first day of senior year, Todd hadn’t been able to get the boy’s plush red lips out of his mind.  
And now here they were, ten years later, and Neil’s mouth was on his, moaning in unexplainable ways and his dick was pressed up against Todd’s thigh and adrenaline was shooting through him like a drug.  
The door to the elevator opened and the boys stumbled out, Todd shoving Neil against the wall across the hallway and clinging to his lips as if he were a vampire about to bite and taste sweet drops of blood.  
“Which one is yours?” Todd mumbled against Neil’s lips as his fingers flew to his belt buckle.  
Neil gasped, closing his eyes tightly before replying “end of the hall.” Todd smirked, biting down lightly on Neil’s neck before retreating, grasping one of his hands and racing down the hall.  
An aroused Neil followed blindly, fumbling for his keys as Todd pushed him up against yet another wall. This time, his lips raced down Neil’s neck to his collarbone, already leaving a trail of dark marks along Neil’s pale skin.  
Neil found his keys and reached out, searching for the lock with closed eyes. Todd began unbuttoning Neil’s dress shirt and began slowly pressing chaste kisses to his chest, each one getting lower and longer. Neil gasped aloud, his free hand gripping Todd’s hair tightly as his fingers finally found the lock. The door flew open and Todd moved over quickly, causing the pair to stumble in. Todd shut the door before pausing and looking Neil over with a sly grin that reminded him of Charlie.  
“God, Neil, you should see yourself right now,” he whispered, his hot breath lingering on Neil’s forehead. Neil’s hair was a fluffy mess and his lips were swollen and red, letting out heavy breaths as he looked at Todd with curious eyes. In a way, he looked like a sort of lost puppy, and if Todd had been in the right mind it would have broken his heart.  
“Yeah?” Neil whispered back, reaching up to give Todd another kiss on the lips, this one slow and steady. They remained standing for a moment, enjoying the view of each other's eyes in the dim view of each other in the dim light of the lamp.  
Slowly Todd began tracing his fingers up Neil’s stomach and chest, a smirk finding its way onto his lips as Neil moaned quietly. Neil broke his smile with a deep, slow kiss that quickly picked up the closer Todd got to Neil’s crotch.  
“Let’s go to my room,” Neil whispered against Todd’s mouth.  
Todd held on to Neil’s hand as he was led back through a dark hallway and into Neil’s large bedroom. “Damn, this is nice,” he said, admiring the king sized bed and beautiful, large window looking out onto the nightlife of the city. Neil grinned as he grabbed Todd’s face and began kissing him again.  
Todd shoved Neil back onto the bed and climbed on top of him, a smirk planting itself on his lips as he kissed Neil’s neck and began rubbing his hand against the bulge in Neil’s pants. Neil’s hands eagerly fumbled with the buttons on Todd’s shirt. Todd’s hands moved up, sliding Neil’s already unbuttoned shirt off of his shoulders, and Neil did the same.  
“Be right back,” Neil said, grinning, and lept off the bed to his nightstand. Todd watched the lean boy with his head in his hand, admiring the soft lines of his neck and back where light purple bruises were already scattered.  
Neil pulled a bottle of lube out of his drawer and tossed it onto the bed and stood over Todd as he slipped off his belt, pants, and socks. Todd followed in suit as Neil leaned closer to him, planting soft kisses along his jawline.  
Once Todd’s pants were gone he leaned up and began kissing Neil quickly and deeply, swirling his tongue around Neil’s mouth as the other boy moaned. He moved his kisses lower and lower, suckling on the soft flesh of Neil’s neck, then his chest, then his stomach, and finally his belt line as he slowly slipped Neil’s underwear off his hips. Todd began playing with Neil as he groaned and gripped the bed.  
After he was finished, Todd climbed back up and fell next to Neil on the bed, and the two boys laid next to each other for a moment sharing loving glances in the darkness.  
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?” Todd asked quietly, soft laughter breaking up his words.  
“Bet it hasn’t been as long as me,” Neil responded, smiling as Todd leaned over to kiss him again.  
The kiss began slowly and swiftly, just two boys lying passionately on the ivory bedsheets, then grew rapidly with a fervent emotion, as if they were the only two in the world. Todd bit tentatively at Neil’s lip over and over again as their hands went everywhere from eachother’s hair to eachother’s butts.  
Todd reached down and slipped his underwear off, and Neil let up hesitantly.  
“Are you okay?” Todd asked, backing away.  
Neil didn’t say anything as he grabbed Todd’s waist and pulled him down, kissing him fervently and angrily and lovingly all at once.  
Todd, with more strength than he knew he had, flipped Neil over and began kissing the back of his neck passionately, leaving another trail of dark marks along the curves of his back.  
Neil reached out and passed Todd the bottle of lube.  
From there on out, the two boys lit up by the lights of the city were a mess of bedsheets and sweat and curses and kisses. Something they had both dreamt of for ages proved to be worth it on the night where they had both been in the right bookstore at the right time.  
When it was over, Todd came up and collapsed next to Neil on the messy pillows, both of them breathing heavily and with pounding hearts. Neil shifted under the covers and Todd followed, resting his head gently on Neil’s chest and folding into him, Neil’s heartbeat pressed up against his ear.  
“I missed you so much, Todd,” Neil said, softly planting a kiss on Todd’s forehead.  
“I missed you too, Neil,” Todd replied, slowly tracing circles on Neil’s chest and looking up at him with adoration.  
“Goodnight, sweet prince,” Neil whispered. Todd drifted off into a deep vivacious slumber with the sound of Neil’s living, real breath keeping him comfort.


	5. Canvas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing Neil Perry. Todd had been kissing Neil Perry.

your body is a canvas & you’ve covered it with scars and memories  
the mark on your lip from the time you were eight  
and you slipped and fell of your bike in the driveway  
and your father held you and smiled; back when he still smiled  
or the time you were twelve and you got in a fight with your mom  
and you ran out into the road, searching for comfort among the dark  
and you tripped and slit your knee and you were crying and praying it would kill you because you no longer wanted to be alive  
and I lived for the days where the sun shined on my face where I stood in the middle of the road watching the yellow line fade into the horizon  
and I wondered why I was alive

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kissing Neil Perry. Todd had been kissing Neil Perry. When his eyes opened to the vivid sunlight of NYC, he was using Neil’s arm as a pillow and their legs were tangled, both of them still naked. For a moment, he didn’t believe it was Neil. He’s had sex with some other hot guy last night and then just had one of his usual heartbreaking dreams about Neil.   
But no. Todd rustled the covers slightly and brushed the boy’s dark brown hair off his forehead to reveal the face of an older Neil, beautiful as he slept with the slightest smile on his lips.   
He debates whether or not he should lean in and kiss Neil, but decides against it. He sighs and attempts to slip away from Neil without waking him. Neil stirred, murmuring softly and rolling over slowly. Todd froze, figuring he had woken him, but the dark haired boy began snoring and Todd let out a sigh of relief.   
His boxers were crumpled up on the ground next to the bed and Todd slipped them on along with a soft t-shirt from Neil’s closet. Todd looked around at the large room where he had spent the night, noticing how oddly clean it was, and then stepped out into the hallway to explore Neil’s house. There were no pictures on the walls of the hallway, just a musty light green paint and dark hardwood floors.   
The living room was dark, save for streaks of early morning light shining in from the windows, and slightly dusty. The walls were plastered in an old, floral wallpaper, and the only photos on the walls were of Neil’s unsmiling family, pride in his father’s eyes and pain in neil’s and his mother’s. Next to the photos were a variety of degrees, first Neil’s diploma and then his bachelor's and master’s and doctorate, his medical license, and a variety of letters or recognition. Some of the furniture in the apartment still had the plastic on it, and Todd wondered if anyone except Neil ever had stepped foot into this apartment.   
Near the window sat an armchair, the only piece that showed any use, and on the stand next to it was a stack of books Todd recognized all too well and a half-drank open bottle of whiskey.   
Todd picked up the book on top, his most recent collection of poetry, and ran his thumb over the blue cover. His hand flew to his mouth as he stifled a sob, and he set the book down quickly as he walked away.   
When he turned around, he came upon a desk with a fancy computer on it and a few more pictures filled with faces Todd remembered. The first was a picture of who Todd assumed were young Neil and Charlie, probably not more than ten years old, wearing ill-fitting tiny Welton uniforms and grinning like crazy. Charlie’s hair was a mess and there was dirt on the knees of his slacks, a wild look in his eyes as he smiled at the camera. Neil looked endlessly happy, but his hair was still trimmed prim and proper and he looked at the camera more seriously, as if he has just been told to or scolded.   
Next to that was a photo of all the Dead Poets, minus Todd, and he figured the picture had been taken a few years prior to his coming to Welton. They all held awards of some kind, possibly an awards ceremony or graduation of some kind, and Todd smiled at the baby-faced looks of his friends who he now knew as men. Knox and Meeks and Pitts were on their knees in front of the other boys, all looking goofy and young, Meeks not even having glasses yet. Pitts towered over the other boys more so than usual, making the photo probably around the time he’d hit a growth spurt. Cameron was blotchy-faced but still somehow looking happy, and Todd realized how long it’d been since he’d seen Cameron. Charlie and Neil were dead center of the boys, Neil looking straight into the camera and Charlie looking at him with a nervous look. Todd noticed a darker look in Neil’s eyes, the one he’d had when Todd first got to Welton.   
The third photo Todd recognized. It was one he hadn’t looked at himself in years, for it just made him emotional and angry. In it, Todd was looking forward at the ground, and Neil had his arm around him and was looking at him, both of them laughing like madmen and happier than Todd had ever seen.  
Todd fumbled for his phone before remembering he didn’t even have pockets. He spotted a home phone next to the computer and grabbed it, rapidly dialing the number he knew by heart.   
“Oh my god, Charlie, you are not going to believe what just happened,” Todd whispered into the phone when Charlie picked up.   
There was a silence on the other end. “Charlie?” Todd questioned, his voice going up an octave as he raised an eyebrow. Charlie was never one to not say hello a million times at the beginning of a phone call. Suddenly there was a noise on the other end and a voice came through.   
“Hey, now’s not really the best--fuck--time,” Charlie said, through what seemed to be gritted teeth.   
“Charlie, it's really important,” Todd said, before a low groan came from Charlie’s end. Realization washed over Todd like a tidal wave as he walked back into Neil’s hallway. “Oh my god, Charlie, are you getting blown right now?” he asked, gritting his teeth in both anger and surprise.   
“Maybe--FUCK, Jesus! Slow down!” Charlie shouted, his voice muffled from him presumably slamming the phone into the bedsheets.   
Todd rolled his eyes. “I'll call you later, Charlie,” he said, seconds away from clicking his phone off.   
“No--wait! Don't go, I'm done anyway,” Charlie responded, and there was some rustling at the other end of the phone call.   
Todd sighed, leaning against the wall to Neil’s hallway so he could peek inside Neil’s room. The boy was still asleep, facing away from Todd, his soft body barely lit up by light coming in the blinds.   
“Okay, what is it?” Charlie said, his loud voice sending a shock though Todd.   
“I may or may not have fucked Neil Perry last night,” Todd blurted, unable to come up with a better way to spit it out.   
Charlie was silent for a moment before his voice appeared again, lower than before. “Neil Perry? Our Neil Perry? But he’s...he…”, and then there was a loud slam and yelling from his end of the line and another voice that Todd recognized all too well.   
“What's the address?” Charlie yelled into the phone, sounding out of breath and very angry as the other voice continued to ask questions.   
“Oh my god, is that Meeks?” Todd asked, shock and slight anger washing over him.   
Charlie muttered something to Meeks, and there was some more quiet rustling. “Shut the fuck up and tell me the address,” Charlie said, his voice cutting through the silence.   
“No--Charlie, don’t--” Todd said, but he was cut off.   
Charlie let out a harsh chuckle “Really Todd? After all this? Fuck Neil...What the fuck…” and the line went silent again.  
Charlie muttered something else before hanging up the phone. Todd couldn't help but curse when he saw the phone call end, feeling cold regret pool in the pit of his stomach.   
Then he felt a warm pair of hands around his waist and hot breath in his ear whispering “hey”, and a tingle ran up his spine as everything else ceased to matter.   
“Hey,” Todd responded, closing his eyes and taking the feeling in. Neil nibbled lightly on Todd’s ear as he ran his hands up and down Todd’s side and rubbed his dick lightly against Todd's ass. Todd moaned very quietly, curving his neck to give Neil’s lips better access.   
Neil’s hand snaked around Todd’s waist and slipped into Todd’s thin boxers and he began kissing Todd neck heavily, surely leaving a line of bruises. Todd spun around to face Neil as they kissed, Todd’s already hard dick pressing up against Neil’s thigh. Neil smiled at the feeling, whispering “your turn” as he dropped to his knees and pulled Todd’s boxers down.   
Todd groaned instantly at the feeling, giving in to Neil. For a few moments, everything was perfect, and then he suddenly remembered his call to Charlie with a jolt.  
“N-Neil, I,” Todd tripped over his words, pushing back on neil’s head with his hands.   
“It’s alright, I can take it,” Neil said, going in deeper on Todd.   
Todd groaned again, but didn’t let up. “Neil-no, I have to-fuck-I have to tell you something.”  
“Is everything alright?” Neil asked, sliding up Todd’s body until their eyes met.   
“No, it’s not-”  
“Oh my God, were you crying?”  
“Yeah, I saw some pictures of us on your desk and I got a little emotional.”  
“Oh,” Neil said, looking down. “I’m guessing you saw all of the books too, then.”  
“And the whiskey?” todd said, stifling a nervous laugh. “I should be the one asking you if you’re okay.”  
“It’s been hard,” Neil said, looking back up at Todd. “I’m sorry. I’m so glad you’ve come back into my life.”  
“Okay, but speaking of, I-fuck,” Todd whispered as a knock came to the door. There was no way it had been more than fifteen minutes since the phone call, but then again, Todd had no idea where he was and how fast Charlie could've gotten here.   
“I'll be right back,” Neil whispered, slipping past him to get the door.   
“No-Neil! Don't!” Todd yelled after Neil, but he was already at the door.   
And when he opened it, he was greeted with a smile and a punch in the nose.


	6. And What Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie looked up at Neil, his expression nothing short of broken. “I love you.”

It was 2 am,and we sat in bed facing each other, but never contacting eyes. I knew that if you

reached out and kissed me that everything would be alright and that we could find love

somewhere in between our cracked minds and broken hearts.

But you didn’t, and you didn’t apologize, and you didn’t say a word, you just laid down on the

plush white comforter and i watched you until your breath went even and I knew it was over.

 

-t.a.

* * *

 

 

“Okay...that may not have been my best move,” Charlie admitted as he sat on the opposite couch to Neil, who was icing his face with a bag of broccoli. 

“Yeah, you think?” Neil said. His eye was red and puffy and would definitely be covered with a giant bruise later.

Charlie stood up then, gritting his teeth, and walked over to Neil. 

“Fuck,” Charlie said, shoving Neil’s shoulder. “You.” 

And with that, Charlie tackled Neil again, punching him repeatedly (though missing a solid amount of the time). Charlie gripped his shirt and pulled the two of them to their feet, knocking Neil backwards with another punch to the eye as he snarled in Neil’s face. “Fuck you,” Charlie sobbed out, punching Neil in the chest before being dragged back by Meeks.

“Charlie, cut it out!” Todd screamed, running up to Neil and gripping his shoulders protectively. 

“No,” Neil cried out, pushing Todd’s arms away. “Let him have at me. I fucking deserve it,” he choked out with a strained voice, wiping his nose as he sobbed the words out. Meeks, though looking conflicted, let go of Charlie, who charged forward and began smacking Neil over and over again, shouting the entire time. 

“Fuck you. What the fuck, Neil? I thought you were dead and all this time you could have called or stopped by or sent a letter or given us some god damn notification that you were fucking alive! God damn it, Neil, do you know how many nights I spent crying over your sorry ass? Do you know how many nights  _ Todd _ spent crying over your sorry ass? Fuck you, Neil, fuck you.” 

He let go of Neil’s collar, running his hands through his own hair in shame. His eyes were bloodshot and his entire face was puffy and red and Todd had never seen him like this; not the night of Neil’s death, not at the funeral, and certainly never after. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Neil said, barely a whisper among the sniffles and sobs in the room. 

Charlie looked up at Neil, his expression nothing short of broken. “I love you,” he said simply and quietly, and the two boys pulled each other in for a deep hug that was ten years overdue. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ethan and I are so gay.
> 
> First posted chapter from the rsl/ethanhawk dream team. Enjoy


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